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sex.index / Loss of Sexual Desire



Do you think that the feeling of SEXUAL DESIRE is something that’s just going to happen inside of your body whenever you want … for the rest of your life?  If you said, yes …. you are correct.  

And also, you’re not.  We’ll explain. 🙂

You have a reserve of sexual energy dedicated to feeding the fire of desire in your body.  Each time you have a sensual experience, you simultaneously feed that reserve and use some of it up.  If you use too much without replenishing your reserve, you experience a loss of sexual desire or low libido.  You just won’t have the energy to back up your sexy experience.

Loss of sexual desire is the number one issue that couples face.  But what most couples don’t realize is that each person is responsible for maintaining their own well of sexual energy to feed shared attraction.  When couples experience loss of sexual desire in a relationship, it’s actually never about the relationship … it’s about the people in the relationship as individuals.  Taking responsibility and owning your own connection to pleasure is the first step in healing a loss of sexual desire (or low libido).  

Sexual desire doesn’t happen to you, you have to trigger it.  This realization shifts your entire sensual world in a positive direction … toward energy, empowerment, and the fulfillment of your desires (of course)!

The Superpower of Sexual Desire

Sexual energy is also creative energy.  So creativity is necessary to feed the fires of sexual desire, as much as the physical sensations of arousal. 

When you engage with the superpower of sexual desire you’ll feel the power of it constantly expanding whatever container you put it in—whether it’s a sexual experience or your intimate relationship.  Sexual desire makes your sex life and sexual connections more interesting, and more authentic. It makes the experience that your body is able to have inside of a sexual experience MORE FUN.

Like a painter who is deeply fascinated with her canvas, she sees every detail.  She wonders where the next point of refinement will be, and what the next interesting space is to play in …

So, YOU TOO must connect to that same energy inside of your body to engage the superpower of your sexual desire.  Because sexual desire requires you to stand up, pay attention, and PLAY!

The Science of Sexual Desire

Sexual desire is sexual energy in physical motion.  It’s how sexual energy feels in your body.  It’s important to understand that sexual desire is triggered by creativity and curiosity, but sex DRIVE isn’t really a thing.  

Sexual desire is not a passive experience you can be driven by… it’s an active one that you direct!  

Dopamine and testosterone both play key roles in helping to get your body turned on and ready to enjoy your next sexual experience.  Dopamine activates the part of your brain that daydreams about what kind of experience you want to have and how awesome the experience will be.  It also does the planning, step by step, to get you where you want to go. And testosterone is like the fuel that feeds your sexual engine to get you to your destination. Testosterone sparks the curiosity inside of your experience, making it continually more and more interesting.

Sexual desire is equally influenced by external stuff, too.  So, if the space you’re in doesn’t feel right or motivate you toward sex, you might feel less desire to have sex.  Or, if you and your lover have been fighting and feeling distant, you’ll probably feel less desire to be intimate with them.  

But that’s good news, because adjusting your environment by making your space sexier, or stepping up and finding clarity with your partner will help to move you closer to accessing the kind of sexual desire you really want.

In her book, Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski (Ph.D.) states that there are three types of sexual desire influences: spontaneous, responsive, and context-dependent.  

Spontaneous desire is when you are sitting at your desk at work, and you stop for a moment and think, “I would love to fuck right now!”

Responsive desire is when desire happens in response to a sensual cue.  “Oh, hey! Something sexy is happening … great!  Now I want sex!”  So your desire needs an external trigger to activate.

Context-specific desire is when the environment plays a heavy role in your connection to sexual arousal.  “That bathroom looks like a great place to fuck! Let’s do it.”

Sexual desire is influenced by spontaneity, your response to sensual cues, and your environment.  

We’d also like to add sexual energy as the heavy lifter, elevating sexual desire to its passionate heights.  A healthy reserve in your sexual energy creates more spontaneous desire in your body.  

And your sexual energy is also key to healing the imbalance of loss of sexual desire.

Loss of Desire FAQ’s

A loss of sexual desire can cause strain in a relationship, but only when you don’t address it.  Here are a few common questions we get when it comes to understanding your libido:

My partner and I had sex A LOT more at the beginning of our relationship.  Am I experiencing loss of desire?

Not necessarily.  You’re also not the same person that you were at the beginning of your relationship—your needs change, and so does your desire.  When you compare your libido now to what it was like at the beginning of the relationship, you’re actually limiting your experience and ignoring the potential for different and NEW types of sensation.

My partner wants to have sex more often than me.  Should I be worried?

This is also known as desire discrepancy.  Here’s the thing—comparing your sexual desire to your partner’s (or anyone else’s) can paint an inaccurate picture.  And the key to healing this imbalance is to own YOUR experience and the things that you CAN control.

I haven’t wanted to have sex this month.  Am I experiencing loss of sexual desire?

Libido loss isn’t sudden, where you wake up one day with different sexual desires.  A loss of desire is a slow, gradual process that can take several months to manifest itself in your body.  But when you cultivate and nurture your sexual energy through a regular sensual practice, this type of imbalance is less likely to creep up over time because you’re connecting with yourself and your sensation.

I don’t have a loss of sexual desire, I have sex ALL THE TIME, BRO!

This is one of those quality vs. quantity scenarios.  The amount of sexual activity in your life isn’t always an indicator of your libido.  You can still have sex without feeling connected to your desire (or your partner). If you feel pressure to have sex, if you no longer look forward to it, or if sex becomes routine and mechanical, you might be experiencing the imbalance of a loss of desire.

Can’t I take a pill for this?

When you start taking a pill to boost your libido, you’ll need to take that same pill every time you want to have sex.  If you, instead, work to address the underlying issue behind the imbalance, and face your loss of desire head on, you heal the root of your imbalance.  You can take a pill for your libido, but you’re ultimately replacing one imbalance for another.

Sex Rx

Using mind-body techniques will help to build awareness around sensation and your sexual energy, and it all starts with your breath.  Even if you take just TEN MINUTES at the end of the workday to practice mindful breathing, you’ll reap some amazing benefits. You can also try out a few other techniques:

  • Creative Activities (writing, drawing, cooking, etc.)
  • Visualization Meditations
  • Full Body Orgasm Sensual Practice

Looking For More?


If you want more tools to help with an imbalance like a loss of desire, you can sign up for the SPX mailing list and get immediate access to our comprehensive guide to healing your body: The Full Body Orgasm Guide.