for they make up
all of life:
You will eternally be
looking for yourself and
seeking ways to lose yourself.
― Kamand Kojouri
Being comfortable and feeling stability with your partner can make your relationship easy. But being overly comfy can lead to predictable and boring.
And a boring and stagnant sex life is not an ideal environment for the sexual energy your relationship requires to feel truly fulfilling and sustainable.
The loss of sexual desire and desire discrepancy are two of the most common issues for couples these days. And these two major issues both express the sexual struggle that takes place when passion starts to dwindle in your partnership …
and it’s all thanks to POLARITY.
Passion is an expression of polarity. It’s how yin reacts to yang, feminine to masculine, submissive to dominant. The polarity between you and your partner should mirror the positively charged side of a magnet responding to the negatively charged side of another.
But when the magnets don’t respond to one another, it’s because one or both charges veered a little more into the middle, creating a more neutral charge. And neutrality has little to no energy.
It’s easy to veer into the middle and lose the power of your charge when you’re confused about where you stand in your relationship, or how to express yourself. And there are a number of other ways that people lose polarity in relationships …
Are you partner-pleasing? That will kill attraction super quick. Or, did you NOT clear up that argument you had last week … passively trying “let it go” on your own?
And when your relationship moves from being energetic (waxing and full of energy ) to stillness (waning and quiet), and if you don’t recognize the gift of the stillness (and take advantage of it), that will absolutely set your polarity on a downward spiral, too.
Polarity is about two energies coming together to create more dynamic and interesting energy than existed before. So polarity in your relationship does the exact same thing.
From moment to moment, the polarity in your relationship helps you and your partner come together to continuously keep growing and creating a more interesting and dynamic experience than you had a moment ago, or last month, or last year.
You know you have good and healthy polarity with your partner when your relationship feels fulfilling, inspired, and sustainable.
But when it’s missing, sexual polarity leaves a gaping black-hole where your energy and attraction used to be.
However you express it, intimacy is something that helps to bring you and your partner closer together.
Intimacy and sex are absolutely NOT THE SAME. But, the more intimacy you have, the more sex you’ll have because intimacy is fuel for your sexual energy. And an abundance of sexual energy equals an abundance of desire to have sex. (And if you need ideas for how to develop intimacy in your relationship, here are 69 tips and suggestions that might inspire you.)
Polarity fuels sexual energy in a similar way. Both polarity and intimacy are catalysts for your sexual energy—they cause physical, emotional, and energetic REACTIONS that spark a CONNECTION between you and your partner, and in your relationship. And it might sound magical, how opposites attract, but we’ve studied sexual polarity for centuries.
The ancient tradition of Tantra is the study and practice of expressing and honoring this sexual polarity in yourself, your partner, your relationship, and the world in the most sacred way. The Taoists also focus on yin and yang as primal energies that create balance, harmony, and disharmony in the body.
But polarity is also consciously played with and exercised in modern BDSM, OMing, and almost every other conscious sexual practice.
Here are some different ways polarity shows up in relationships …
All of these are opposites, and the more you ENHANCE and enjoy the differences, the more polarized you are … and the stronger your sexual dynamic and attraction will be.
The sexual energy that you create with your partner needs to stay dynamic to be in a healthy state of polarity. Here are a few tips to help your explorations go more smoothly …
The natural polarity role for you is going to be the one you identify with the most easily. Are you a man who thinks of himself as just a normal kind of dude? If so, you know what your natural role is. To make your polarity charge more powerful you could exaggerate your masculine role by giving yourself a little alpha-male bump.
Questions to consider when exaggerating your natural role …
Also, consider the role you’re least comfy in and think about taking that on for a moment (remember, this is an isolated experience). I don’t mean that if you identify as a heterosexual male you should try on a pair of stockings and lipstick (but, maybe!). But it does mean that sometimes the expression of your hetero role might feel stifling, even if you aren’t totally aware of it. It means that getting your body into a more feminine position during sex might feel freeing … it just might!
Questions to ask when playing with your unnatural polarity role …
Polarity plays a huge role in sensual and sexual attraction because it creates movement and attraction … passion! Positioning yourself in intimate relationships where attraction feeds your sexual experience, is really, really important. And it’s actually quite easy to do.
Positioning for Polarity: Different positions (physical, mental, emotional) that create dynamism and attraction in your sexual relationship.
During sex, the more masculine (active) energy is usually on top. So, if you want to play with being more receptive and feminine be on the bottom.
Feminine energy can be exaggerated by opening the thighs wide. I love RECLINED GODDESS POSITION for men who want to explore their open and receptive side, and women who want to exaggerate their opening.
Positions like these during sex, that open the sex system area, are particularly powerful for helping women AND men connect to deeper sensual sensation and pleasure. So, if you can’t find your orgasm, give a posture like this a try during sex.
Also, consider all fours. YES. YOU. ON. ALL. FOURS! All fours is a great position to get into that truly exaggerates, all on its own, the active and receptive roles. Choose a side and play with sounds in that position, play with movement, gesture, and touch. Notice that if you’re in the receptive position in this posture, you can’t even TOUCH your partner … all you can do is take what they offer. So, take it!
Use this quiz to get an idea of how polarity plays a role in your relationship. If you’re single, consider this dynamic in past relationships. Do you see a pattern?
QUESTION 1: How does polarity manifest in your life? If 0 is feminine/yin energy and 10 is masculine/yang energy, where are you? Where do you feel your partner is? Write down your respective estimates on a piece of paper without showing the other—where you rate yourself and where you rate your partner—and then share.
If you find that your numbers are kind of close together, polarity play will be the perfect SexRx for you. It’s super important not to go on too long being in the neutral no-energy zone with your partner … because that’s where sexual attraction goes to die.
QUESTION 2: Who “wears the pants” in your relationship? Is this dynamic playing out as you wish it would? In the way that makes you feel most safe, accepted and aroused? If not, where do you feel the imbalances lie most strongly? In decision-making around the house? In parenting? In sex?
Where can you take responsibility for either not taking enough initiative or not surrendering as fully as you could? Discuss.