Embrace contradictions

for they make up

all of life:

You will eternally be 

looking for yourself and

seeking ways to lose yourself.

― Kamand Kojouri

Being comfortable and feeling stability with your partner can make your relationship easy.  But being overly comfy can lead to predictable and boring.

And a boring and stagnant sex life is not an ideal environment for the sexual energy your relationship requires to feel truly fulfilling and sustainable. 

The loss of sexual desire and desire discrepancy are two of the most common issues for couples these days.  And these two major issues both express the sexual struggle that takes place when passion starts to dwindle in your partnership …

and it’s all thanks to POLARITY. 

Passion is an expression of polarity.  It’s how yin reacts to yang, feminine to masculine, submissive to dominant.  The polarity between you and your partner should mirror the positively charged side of a magnet responding to the negatively charged side of another.  

But when the magnets don’t respond to one another, it’s because one or both charges veered a little more into the middle, creating a more neutral charge.  And neutrality has little to no energy.

It’s easy to veer into the middle and lose the power of your charge when you’re confused about where you stand in your relationship, or how to express yourself.  And there are a number of other ways that people lose polarity in relationships … 

Are you partner-pleasing?  That will kill attraction super quick.   Or, did you NOT clear up that argument you had last week … passively trying “let it go” on your own?

And when your relationship moves from being energetic (waxing and full of energy ) to stillness (waning and quiet), and if you don’t recognize the gift of the stillness (and take advantage of it), that will absolutely set your polarity on a downward spiral, too.

Polarity is about two energies coming together to create more dynamic and interesting energy than existed before.  So polarity in your relationship does the exact same thing.  

From moment to moment, the polarity in your relationship helps you and your partner come together to continuously keep growing and creating a more interesting and dynamic experience than you had a moment ago, or last month, or last year.  

You know you have good and healthy polarity with your partner when your relationship feels fulfilling, inspired, and sustainable.

But when it’s missing, sexual polarity leaves a gaping black-hole where your energy and attraction used to be.  

Why Polarity Matters in Your Relationship

However you express it, intimacy is something that helps to bring you and your partner closer together.  

Intimacy and sex are absolutely NOT THE SAME.  But, the more intimacy you have, the more sex you’ll have because intimacy is fuel for your sexual energy.  And an abundance of sexual energy equals an abundance of desire to have sex.  (And if you need ideas for how to develop intimacy in your relationship, here are 69 tips and suggestions that might inspire you.) 

Polarity fuels sexual energy in a similar way.  Both polarity and intimacy are catalysts for your sexual energy—they cause physical, emotional, and energetic REACTIONS that spark a CONNECTION between you and your partner, and in your relationship.  And it might sound magical, how opposites attract, but we’ve studied sexual polarity for centuries.

The ancient tradition of Tantra is the study and practice of expressing and honoring this sexual polarity in yourself, your partner, your relationship, and the world in the most sacred way.  The Taoists also focus on yin and yang as primal energies that create balance, harmony, and disharmony in the body. 

But polarity is also consciously played with and exercised in modern BDSM, OMing, and almost every other conscious sexual practice. 

Here are some different ways polarity shows up in relationships …

• Masculine and Feminine:  How do you represent yourself in your relationship?  Are you super masculine, or extremely feminine? Or, do you fall somewhere in the middle?  NO! This is not necessarily a gender thing. This is about masculine and feminine ENERGY. Yang and Yin.  So no matter what body parts you have, you can enhance traditionally masculine and feminine traits to create stronger polarity in your unique and chosen role.
• Top and Bottom: In this expression of polarity, the top manipulates and the bottom is manipulated.  This isn’t manipulation in a negative sense, it’s in the practical sense. The top creates and defines the experience and space, and the bottom enjoys the experience and fills the space.
• Waxing and Waning:  In the waxing aspect of your relationship, you experience an electric connection that’s adding fuel to your collective fire.  Energy. In the waning aspect of your relationship, you learn to communicate and deepen your non-sexual intimate connection and shared sensuality.  Stillness.  Both are valuable and an ever-present force in your relationship; and mastering the unique flow of your relationship depends on you appreciating both waxing and waning aspects of it.
  • The above dynamic also represents itself in your own individual relationship with pleasure. Sometimes pleasure is flowing, your orgasm is bubbling up … and sometimes it’s not. When your personal relationship to pleasure wanes, that’s the perfect time to focus your energy inside, when it waxes you connect your energy out to other people and the world.
• Active and Receptive:  In this expression of polarity, you learn how to be fully present in any situation with your partner.  Every shared sensual Tantra practice plays with this dynamic, specifically. Giver and Receiver is another way to see this polarity. 
  • This expression of polarity also shows up majorly in communication. Are you a totally present communicator? Actively listening or speaking your truth?  If not, you can experiment with this aspect of polarity to sharpen your communication skills and deepen your relationship.

All of these are opposites, and the more you ENHANCE and enjoy the differences, the more polarized you are … and the stronger your sexual dynamic and attraction will be.  

Tips For Playing With Polarity 

The sexual energy that you create with your partner needs to stay dynamic to be in a healthy state of polarity. Here are a few tips to help your explorations go more smoothly …

• EXPERIMENT: Just like getting comfortable in your body during sex so you can enjoy it, playing with sexual roles in a relationship requires a bit of experimentation to learn to enjoy them.  Once you decide on the experience, prepare for the experience, and have the experience, you have to leave room for bloopers and mistakes. And when your plans to go awry don’t worry … it was just an experiment.  Plan and prepare anyway (as much as you need to) but don’t forget to leave plenty of room for fuck-ups … and massive room for enjoyment!  Experiment.
• DON’T BE TOO SERIOUS:  Don’t take sex too seriously, like ever, but especially when experimenting with polarity.  Just because you act like a helpless little girl who needs her man to fuck her so hard so she can feel fulfilled, doesn’t mean that’s a serious role you would experiment with outside of your sex life.  Consider polarity play as a kind of role-play that stays contained inside your sexual experiences. It doesn‘t mean that exaggerating or taking on a role won’t have an effect on your external life, but it’s important to keep things in perspective.  
• FOCUS ON THE FEELING: This is important because even though you are exaggerating something to an almost ridiculous point doesn’t mean there isn’t something real in it for you. Find the connection to the sensation you’re experiencing by feeling the truth of what you’re doing. And it doesn’t always have to be a role you’re playing. Sometimes that role might be you, just you choose to do one little thing (like, stay completely open during sex as much as possible).
• LOSE YOUR IDENTITY: There’s power in NOT IDENTIFYING with the last few times you had sex … wipe out the entire year, even! Let go of what you thought you liked, how you think you should move or sound, and explore from a totally new place. Exciting!
• COMMUNICATE: Learn to have clear, open, non-judgemental and honest communication.  That means communicating what you don’t like, as much as what you do.  Also, do plenty of communication to create a plan of action. Have fun discussing what you’ll do, what roles you’ll play, how you might exaggerate that role.  Establishing great communication before the experience, in the planning and prep phase, will help carry that powerful and comfortable communication throughout the entire experience.
• WHAT FEELS GOOD TO YOU?:  When playing with polarity your goal should be to explore pleasure, and so it becomes vitally important to understand YOUR authentic experience of pleasure.  What feels good to you? Do you enjoy having your clit played with? How? Do you like having your anus penetrated? With what and in what way? Take time to determine what your loves and desires (and the limits) are.  And explore on your own when you’re not with your partner.  It’s important to understand what feels sensually fulfilling to you.  This is the foundation of all sensual exploration.

The natural polarity role for you is going to be the one you identify with the most easily.  Are you a man who thinks of himself as just a normal kind of dude?  If so, you know what your natural role is.  To make your polarity charge more powerful you could exaggerate your masculine role by giving yourself a little alpha-male bump.

Questions to consider when exaggerating your natural role …

• What role am I most comfortable in?  Masculine, feminine, top, bottom?
• How can I exaggerate my role?  How can I be more masculine, or feminine, or top or bottom?
• What can I physically do to express this exaggeration?  Body positions, gestures, eye contact.
• What can I verbally say to express the exaggeration of my role?  Consider your language, tone of voice, etc.
• What kind of situation would support my role?  
• What stuff in my environment can I use to support my role?

Also, consider the role you’re least comfy in and think about taking that on for a moment (remember, this is an isolated experience).  I don’t mean that if you identify as a heterosexual male you should try on a pair of stockings and lipstick (but, maybe!).  But it does mean that sometimes the expression of your hetero role might feel stifling, even if you aren’t totally aware of it.  It means that getting your body into a more feminine position during sex might feel freeing … it just might! 

Questions to ask when playing with your unnatural polarity role …

• What is the role I’m least comfortable in?  Why is that?
• What single trait of that role am I willing to take on to experiment with my polarity?
• How can I exaggerate that trait?
• What can I physically do to express this role?  Positions, gestures, eye contact.
• What can I verbally say to express this role?  Consider your language, tone of voice, etc.
• What kind of situation would support my role, and help me feel more natural and comfy with it?  
• What stuff or props can I use in my environment to support my role?

How Will You Express Polarity?

Polarity plays a huge role in sensual and sexual attraction because it creates movement and attraction … passion!  Positioning yourself in intimate relationships where attraction feeds your sexual experience, is really, really important.  And it’s actually quite easy to do.

Positioning for Polarity:  Different positions (physical, mental, emotional) that create dynamism and attraction in your sexual relationship.

BODY POSITIONING

During sex, the more masculine (active) energy is usually on top.  So, if you want to play with being more receptive and feminine be on the bottom.

Feminine energy can be exaggerated by opening the thighs wide.  I love RECLINED GODDESS POSITION for men who want to explore their open and receptive side, and women who want to exaggerate their opening. 

Positions like these during sex, that open the sex system area, are particularly powerful for helping women AND men connect to deeper sensual sensation and pleasure.  So, if you can’t find your orgasm, give a posture like this a try during sex.

Also, consider all fours.  YES. YOU. ON. ALL. FOURS! All fours is a great position to get into that truly exaggerates, all on its own, the active and receptive roles.  Choose a side and play with sounds in that position, play with movement, gesture, and touch.  Notice that if you’re in the receptive position in this posture, you can’t even TOUCH your partner … all you can do is take what they offer.  So, take it!

QUIZ: What’s Your Relationship’s Polarity?

Use this quiz to get an idea of how polarity plays a role in your relationship.  If you’re single, consider this dynamic in past relationships. Do you see a pattern?

QUESTION 1: How does polarity manifest in your life? If 0 is feminine/yin energy and 10 is masculine/yang energy, where are you? Where do you feel your partner is? Write down your respective estimates on a piece of paper without showing the other—where you rate yourself and where you rate your partner—and then share.

If you find that your numbers are kind of close together, polarity play will be the perfect SexRx for you.  It’s super important not to go on too long being in the neutral no-energy zone with your partner … because that’s where sexual attraction goes to die.

QUESTION 2: Who “wears the pants” in your relationship? Is this dynamic playing out as you wish it would? In the way that makes you feel most safe, accepted and aroused? If not, where do you feel the imbalances lie most strongly? In decision-making around the house? In parenting? In sex?

Where can you take responsibility for either not taking enough initiative or not surrendering as fully as you could?  Discuss.

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