Sex is like having a conversation in your own unique language.  

Your moans, body expression, emotion, and arousal are all a part of that conversation.  And whether you’re giving and receiving that yummy stimulation with your partner, or enjoying sex with yourself, you have your own unique sexual dialogue. 

Authentic sexual communication is a tool.  And if you read part one of this blog series, you know how effective authentic sexual communication can be inside your relationship.  Using this tool strengthens your confidence in how you talk to your partner.  

But during sex, the tool of authentic sexual communication will support you even further, so that you connect more deeply with your sensation and can effectively communicate that connection.  

And your reward for using authentic sexual communication?  More CONNECTED, EMPOWERING and ENJOYABLE SEX.

Navigating Your Sexual Experience

Great communication during sex can be a combination of talking, listening, feeling/sensing, and movement.  The thread that sews all of these aspects together is AUTHENTICITY. Or, your real connection to YOURSELF.

But maneuvering through all these aspects of sexual expression at once can feel overwhelming.  It’s easy to get lost in the flood of sensation and thought.  

But what makes it all work (or come together) so that you can enjoy yourself, and be in the flow with all of this chaotic, frenetic sexual energy,  is your ability to know what you desire, and to know what your boundaries are.  This is your connection with yourself.  And this authentic connection with yourself is like your North Star. 

Exploring Boundaries + Desires

Do you know what you want, and where to draw the line?  If the thread of authenticity is what sews all the elements of your awesome sexual experience together, then it’s important for you to truly KNOW what your desires are (and aren’t).  

Your authentic connection to your sexuality will tell you what aligns with your sensual journey, what desires fuel that journey … and where any boundaries might lie along that journey. 

But it’s important to always push your boundaries—boundaries shouldn’t become sexual barricades.  So, even if you have a boundary right now, challenge yourself at some point in time to explore that boundary, and push it … just a little bit.  

You might find that one of your boundaries (like staying away from anal stimulation) sparks your curiosity over time.  Maybe one of your boundaries becomes a DESIRE. And desires are meant to be EXPRESSED and explored!

So when you’re mapping out your sexploration and sensual experiences, remember to stay open and CURIOUS … even when you come up against those boundaries. 

Using Authentic Communication to Heal Sexual Blocks

It’s true:  sex is often very healing.  Sexual expression really can be transformative, especially when you push boundaries or explore any taboos with your partner.   

But sex can also be traumatic.  And if you or a partner have had any sexual trauma in your lives, sexual interaction is when that trauma will show up the most.  So it’s important to understand how to handle it.  

PLUS, learning to handle your sexual trauma is ANOTHER way for you to tap into your more authentic sexual self during sex.  Because instead of becoming something you avoid, your sexual blocks and boundaries become places you explore.  And everyone has a sexual block (or 10).  

Sexual blocks can feel a little lighter than sexual trauma, but your body will still respond with CONTRACTION, as if that sexual block were trauma (so you can treat them similarly).  

How do you know if you have a sexual block or trauma?  

1. If you have any kind of sexual dysfunction that you’re chronically dealing with.
2. If you don’t feel pleasure sensation during sex (numbness), or if you feel pain during sex.
3. If you find yourself avoiding sex.
4. If you find it really difficult to talk about sex.
5. If you’ve been sexually abused or assaulted.

Wherever you are disconnected from sensation in your body is a possible BLOCK that you can express and release, so that over time it will HEAL.  You can focus in on different places in your body that need sexual healing during sex or your sensual practice.  

Face the discomfort head on, because when you do, you can work through the sexual blocks that have stifled you and kept you from fully expressing yourself during sex.  And the results, as you can imagine, are truly EMPOWERING.

Evolving Your Sexual Experience 

You should communicate authentically, anytime you’re having sex, and that’s especially important when your sexual situation isn’t going the way you want it to.  It’s hard not to get a little butthurt when your partner doesn’t do or like something that you’re into.  

But communication can help to heal those butthurt feelings.  How many times have you had sex where it doesn’t feel like there’s a connection at all?  Or there’s NO communication, and everyone seems to expect things to happen seamlessly and naturally?  It’s frustrating EVERY TIME! 

Right, because that’s just not how sex works.  That’s also not how people work.  Over the long-term, your body experiences a LOT of change.  You evolve over time … and the way you experience sensation ALSO evolves.  So it’s really important to allow the sensation you experience during sex to evolve, too, constantly mirroring your own personal evolution.  

Expressing yourself during sex, IN THOSE MOMENTS where you want a change, is an effective way of releasing—releasing tension and releasing emotion:  

• Keep it simple and straightforward.  MOVE into another position or use your words: “Can we try another position?” or “That’s uncomfortable for me.”
• Give feedback.  Pull your partner closer to you, or use SOUND by moaning appreciatively or screaming in delight. 

Expressing Emotion: Sexual Energy

The same energy that powers all the creativity, connection, and abundance in your life, powers your orgasm.  It’s SEXUAL ENERGY!  And when you communicate during sex, it’s an amazing way to express that energy … and your emotion. 

Ever notice how REALLY awesome sex with your partner makes you smile from ear-to-ear?  A truly authentic, emotional connection with your partner is an aphrodisiac…it’s a brain-chemical cocktail that leaves you totally blissed out!  And the emotions you express amplify those sensations that you feel, especially expansive emotions like love and joy.  

When you’re emotionally PRESENT during sex, this deepens intimacy with your partner and supports your authentic sexual experience.  So try expressing emotion in a few ways during sex—experiment with different ways of touching your partner, hold them for a bit longer, kiss them more deeply, and find excuses to be more affectionate.  That kind of emotional intimacy is seriously powerful stuff, and helps to fuel and strengthen your sexual energy.

An Exercise for Expression

Sometimes you can get a little stuck in your head about receiving touch from your partner, or a little tongue-tied about how it feels to you.  But when you tell your partner about how much you’re stimulated by their touch, that’s the start of a super fun dialogue!  

Erotic mapping is a kind of communication to help you get to know each other more deeply.  And the process is simple, which frees you from feeling anxious about expressing yourself with your partner.  

Erotic mapping is also an excellent tool for working through sexual blocks, and gives you and your partner a way to navigate through any discomfort or numbness that a block might create.

What you’ll need:

• At least one hour of time
• A comfortable setting (or sex room)
• Low lighting, soft music, no phones or other distractions

One of you will lie down in a comfortable position (naked, or with loose clothing).  That person is the Receiver. The Giver during this exercise does the mapping.  

1. The Giver will start by touching one specific spot lightly, starting on the less erogenous areas of the receiver’s body, and working their way into the more erogenous zones.  
2. The Giver should pay attention to the results of how each touch affects the Receiver, mapping the entire body, front and back.  
3. The Receiver should use an arousal scale of 1 – 10 (with 1 being not aroused, and 10 most aroused), responding to each touch with a number “That feels like a 4.”  If you’re the Receiver, be sure to be candid about how each touch makes you feel.
4. The Giver can try touching the same place, but in a different way (using firmer pressure or more of your hands, for instance.)  Trying several different styles of touch in one place will give you an idea as to your partner’s preference.
5. Once the Receiver’s body has been mapped, it’s time to switch!

Opening up about how you experience your partner’s touch isn’t just a fun exercise.  This communication tool also helps to DEEPEN intimacy between the two of you … and that’s going to make communication even MORE rewarding in your relationship.  

Prioritizing authentic sexual communication in your relationship is one of the most powerful steps that you can take towards a more fulfilling partnership and a healthier sex life.

PSSST!  If you’re into exploring and have started thinking about sharing your sexual energy with more people, stay tuned for our upcoming guide to navigating THREESOMES.  Make sure to sign up for the SPX email list so you know when the class opens up!

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