When I first fell in love and started having regular sex I received this message over and over: I focus on making my partner happy during sex, and let them focus on me.
For years I would abide by the “golden rule” of being a selfless, super-generous sex partner, and I saw that same sexual mindset mirrored in the relationships around me. Until I started studying Tantra in my early twenties.
As I learned and experienced more I heard a different message, quite the opposite in fact. But this new message felt more complete and sustainable for me: I focus on my body and my senses during sex, and I let my lover focus on theirs.
Tantra (and my own body) taught me over and over again, that being SELFISH with my sensation always leads to better, more amazing sensual experiences and sex.
There’s such a negative connotation around the word selfish. But when it comes to your pleasure, there’s no better way to be.
If you’re squirming in your seat reading this, it’s probably because you’ve been taught that being selfish is “BAD.” Being generous and available is “GOOD.” So, during sex, you might perform for your partner, instead of feeling your orgasm. You focus on your partner’s experience, to make sure they’re FULLY satisfied.
But consider that your partner probably wants the exact same thing you do: to fully satisfy you. This unfortunate and odd double-standard when it comes to sensation only cancels itself out during sex.
To truly satisfy your partner and create sustainable sexual connection, you have to internalize the sexual pleasure you feel. You gotta focus on you, babe!
It’s so confusing, I know.
But it all comes down to this: If your focus during sex is always external instead of internal, pretty soon you become detached from sensation.
To seek validation of pleasure on the outside of your body where it doesn’t belong, or to “give” the birthright of your pleasure to another person, is to disrespect your own sexual energy. Your sexual energy is the foundation for your ability to connect to and feel sexual pleasure.
Enough disrespect, and eventually you’ll find it easier to ONLY help your partner cum, and get “it” over with. Never experiencing the expansiveness of your pleasure the way your soul and spirit desire.
And when you ignore the luscious, generous, connected, overflowing joy that sexual interaction embodies in your life, you deny yourself the nourishment that you need to feel connected and inspired in your body. Aka loss of sexual desire.
Loss of sexual desire leads to desire discrepancy (where one partner isn’t inspired by sex anymore, but the other partner is and still wants it).
Do you see the downward spiral of disintegration, all coming from the source of sexual energy that lives inside of you?
And what gets you out of that uncomfy cycle? Becoming more SELFISH about the sensations you feel in order to connect more authentically with your sexual energy.
So let’s do it!
Think back to the last time you had truly amazing sex. Which felt more powerful: Watching your lover experience incredible sensation, or feeling that pleasure sensation for yourself?
Did you say both? Do you feel that one experience feeds the other? Maybe for you, knowing your partner feels POWERFUL pleasure while you’re with them feeds your own sensation.
Well, that’s absolutely true! But it’s not a knowing, but a vibration.
In Tantra, two people vibrate together in a sexual experience. The techniques and practices + shared sexual energy create a STRONGER vibration that expands into a viscerally ecstatic experience!
But here’s the rub: unless you SELFISHLY focus on the sensation happening INSIDE YOUR OWN BODY, you won’t enjoy the intense magnification of your shared experience. You’ll miss out on the next-level pleasure.
I know … you’re thinking, “How do I focus on my shared experience, but only focus on myself? This sounds f*#@ing impossible!” Yes, let’s explore the imPOSSIBLE …
Imagine for a moment that you’re having sex with your partner, but you want to know what they’re feeling and how they’re experiencing sex with you right now. Do you ask them? Well, there’s a major filter on that info (usually), so that might not be the best source.
The purest answer will actually come from inside of you.
YES … you can ONLY find your partner’s body in a real way deep (SUPERDEEP) inside of your own.
When you’re selfish about sensation, your focus is on your body and whatever pleasure, pain, numbness, anger, fear, disgust, etc. you feel. You become sensually responsible for your own experience (the good and the imbalanced).
Why is that important? Because if you experience a sexual imbalance like erectile dysfunction, pelvic pain, premature ejaculation, or vaginal dryness, being selfish is the first step to healing your imbalance.
Being selfish about sensation is how you’ll learn to truly OWN your sexuality and your sexual energy.
And as energy loves to seed itself, when you’re selfish with sensation, and when you own your powerful sex energy, you have the opportunity to SHARE it.
If it sounds exciting, well … that’s because it is!
How does that really work, though? How can you play with your sexual energy?
Let’s explore …
You can’t focus on two things at the same time. Multi-tasking might be popular in the corporate world, but it doesn’t belong in a sexual experience.
Unfortunately, every one of us has been trained to stay in a state of distraction with phone notifications, clutter around the home, kids, having a TV on all the time, or just basic stress.
But I’ll tell you what I tell all of my clients: You can’t expect better sex or more fulfilling pleasure until you put the bulk of your focus on YOU.
>>> GO SOLO! Spend more (MUCH more!) time self-pleasuring so that you really learn your body and how you experience sensation. Need ideas for playing with your pleasure?
Create a sensual practice you can do to balance and raise your sexual vibration, regularly. If you need a little jumpstart, The Full body Orgasm Guide has a sensual audio practice inside of it (guided by me) that is an awesome regular sensual practice. (you can download the guide at the top of this page). Start with that and see how it evolves.
Always remember that your sensual practice should shift and evolve. But having resources in the form of guided practices (like the Full Body Orgasm practice) to return to when you need them, is essential!
Check out this Pro Tips for Magical Self-Pleasure post for more self-pleasure empowerment!
>>> Condition your sex system for maximum sensation! When you become more aware of your sex system by strengthening it, your body becomes WAY MORE SENSITIVE, sexually powerful, and you can feel yourself with more depth and excitement! This is how you fuel your sexual energy. Sexercise regularly to make your sex system available to sensation, strong, resilient, and empowered.
>>>Develop sustainable sexual energy habits to stay in a state of constantly conditioning your sex system and raising your sexual energy!
>>> Address your sexual blocks by taking a look at what doesn’t work in your intimate experiences, sexual experiences, etc. Think, talk, and especially explore where else in your life the same or similar energy expresses itself.
Once you have a clear understanding of your block, open it, unravel it, UNBLOCK it. You can move your body, feel your orgasm, scream, cry, or just relieve the stress. Tantra is the most efficient tool I’ve found for opening and relaxing sexual blocks. Good-old open communication helps a LOT, as well.
>>> People with penises have can have a hard time feeling into their own sexual experience, and this has mostly to do with the penis’s location. The penis lives outside of the body, like a limb, away from the source of orgasm. But your Sacred-Spot; aka the prostate is actually the more-open-to-pleasure spot inside of the body as it’s much closer to the source of orgasm. And if you focus on your sacred spot too, instead of only your penis, your penis actually responds to that pleasure as well. They’re connected
Check out this post about exploring your anus.
You don’t have to always stimulate your prostate directly. Sometimes mental stimulation is enough! The trick to enjoying your sexual experience more is to pull the sensation you feel at the tip of your penis inside of your body … deeply. Your sacred spot is a great place to imagine the pleasure you feel in your penis traveling into.
>>> People with pussies also have trouble embodying pleasure, although it comes a little more naturally for us. One thing I’ve seen widely benefit people with pussies is breathing. So check out this Orgasmic Breathing post.
And when you want to maximize your ability to feel sensation, you have to get out of your head and relax into your experience.
Become the master of letting awkward thoughts and images move through your body like ripples on the surface of the water. Pleasure IS in the background because pleasure is the water!
So, trust that you can let the weird thoughts, awkward sensations, body images, words you are or are not hearing, and anything else that distracts you from pleasure simply float by you.
Today you learned a lot, but hopefully, you un-learned the myth that being selfish is bad.
Your sexual experiences can be EXPANSIVE and POWERFUL when you get selfish about your sensation. Focusing on your own body and experience while you’re having sex is key, though.
So start making selfishness a practice. Develop the habit of focusing on YOUR sensation and playing with your own sexual power. Stay selfish when you’re self-pleasuring or when you’re with a partner, and learn how powerful your sexual energy truly is.