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Authentic Sexual Communication

AUTHENTIC communication is powerful.  It can even be magical.  And when it comes to great sex, authentic communication is essential.

If you’re confused about what you want and like from your sex experiences, or if intimacy has been waning in your sexual relationships, then it’s time to get real with how you’re authentically relating to and communicating about sex and sensuality.  

It’s time to get authentic with your sexual communication.

 So, WHAT IS your sensual TRUTH?

Discovering the truth of how you feel about sex and sensuality is a lifetime journey.  It’s not something that you’re just going to get right away.  The truth about how you feel in your body and in your sex experience is also always changing (a gentle reminder that you are constantly evolving and growing into the fullness of your sexual being and experiences).

In addition to having regular and awesome sex, regular authentic sexual communication is the most important thing you can do for the health of your sexuality. 

But, finding and communicating the truth is no easy task for most people.  

You’ve probably been told over and over, “Don’t rock the boat,” or “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”  

But when it comes to your sexual experience, not rocking the boat equals sexual avoidance.  

Sexual avoidance is a form of sexual communication, too … but it’s the opposite of authentic.

Exploring Your Sexual Range

Sometimes you get content with your sex life.  Maybe sex with your partner still feels good but you might find yourself in the same sex positions, over and over.  Or you might even rely on your partner ENTIRELY for sex, where you’re not initiating any new sexual experiences. Like always being a passenger, and never making any choices when it comes to sex.  (HINT: This isn’t authentic.)

If your only experience of sexual pleasure is through a partner, then you’re not going to truly understand yourself, because you’re only seeing your sexuality through that one monotone-colored lens. 

But sexual energy is a full spectrum of energy and sensation and flavor and color—from masculine to feminine, active to receptive, salty to sweet and light to dark.  And the more you understand the whole spectrum, the more you KNOW where you sit on it … and the more authentically you can communicate about sex and sensuality.

Sexual energy loves to expand.  It’s creative energy, right?  And that energy needs room to explore and play with an entire range of sensation and information.  Sometimes giving it that space doesn’t always feel like pleasure, though—things just won’t be GOOD all the time.  

So, if you instead look to your experiences to always feel AUTHENTIC (instead of needing them to be good), then you’re able to extract the goodness from every experience … even the “not so good” ones. 

Tips on Exploring Authentically

You might have already checked out the Superpower Sex Full Body Orgasm Guide, but if you need some support for exploring authentically, it’s a great (and fun) place to start!  It also helps to remember a few other components to authentic exploration: 

  • RELAXATION is key to understanding how you experience sensation.  Remember that deep belly breathing will activate your parasympathetic nervous system, so that you can get to this relaxed state. 
  • Focus on ALL sensation, not just pleasure or arousal.  Stay aware of any tension, tingling, warmth, or numbness might come up.  
  • Stay CURIOUS and explore new ways to pleasure yourself, maybe even in exciting and taboo ways (like anal stimulation).

Communicating About Sex With Your Partner

Sexual communication with your partner is a co-creative process that generates INTIMACY and trust. 

There’s no place for judgment in a conversation between partners.  Yes, there will be conflict that needs to be talked through, but the goal of sexual communication is not to be right

Remember, the goal is AUTHENTICITY, where sensation and experiences are free from judgment … and when that happens they FEEL REAL

When you communicate with candor about what you’re feeling, there’s no right or wrong because you’re communicating about sensation.  

The way you communicate (verbally, emotionally, physically, energetically) has an impact.

As a matter of fact, the way that you communicate IS the impact you have on your partners (and your environment).  So it’s SUPER IMPORTANT to note that, YES, what you say actually matters

And when it comes to communicating with a partner, what you don’t say matters even more sometimes (and it’s still a form of communication).  

Your partners and environments respond to how you choose to communicate with them (<< the impact you have).  And authentic communication demands that you take full responsibility for that impact.

If you just thought, “Whoa … responsibility!  That sounds a little heavy.”   Consider that it might actually be simpler and feel lighter to take responsibility.  Consider that when you own the impact you have you develop intimacy with whatever it is you’re interacting with.

And, your experiences become freer (less confined) as they’re not being held in place by ideas and beliefs that aren’t authentic to who you are and how you want to live and PLAY. And this means more fun and exploration!

When you take responsibility for the impact you have through authentic communication, you gain VIP access to the POWER that you can use to shape the life you want to live AND your sexual experience.

Tips for Speaking Authentically With Your Partner

Navigating intimate conversations can be tricky, but here are a few solutions to help things go more smoothly: 

  • If there’s any weight to the conversation, SCHEDULE the conversation. And make sure you’re in a comfortable, quiet environment that feels good.
  • Decide who will talk first and who will listen.  When one person speaks the other person ACTIVELY LISTENS, without talking. 
  • Wait until the persn talking comes to a natural stop before switching people, or subject, asking questions.  Make sure the person talking feels complete.
  • Use your breath and practice deep belly breathing while you’re talking and listening to keep your parasympathetic nervous system more active.
  • Remember to use candor.  Be as honest as you can. And this honesty comes with a heavy dose of compassion while being your truth.
  • Listen MORE than you talk!  Asking questions always helps and indicates that you’re interested in understanding and learning. But don’t interrupt your partner in order to ask your questions.  Be patient.
  • Don’t think about what you’ll say next or stay in your head while you’re listening.  Actively listen, face your partner and make direct eye contact.   
  • If you’re going through a rough time with your communication, you can always check out Imago certified facilitators or workshops in your area for additional support.

AUTHENTIC COMMUNICATION TECHNIQUE:  There’s POWER in your body to help you communicate more clearly.  Your open and relaxed throat is so important. And it’s also important that your nervous system is relaxed while you’re communicating.  If your nervous system is upset and your throat is tight, you’re in a state of fight or flight.  And that’s the worst place to be if you want to communicate authentically.  

So one of the most helpful techniques to promote relaxation is through a very simple practice called Ashwini Mudra (or, Gesture of the Horse) in which you use your breath and contract and relax your anal sphincter.

Ashwini mudra has several levels, and we’ll share the first level here.  This is such a simple practice, you can do it almost anywhere, anytime. And it efficiently relaxes your nervous system and opens your throat.  

This practice is extremely helpful if you have to do anything that involves speaking in front of others, or communicating something that is important to you (something that has weight).

ASHWINI MUDRA

First, draw your attention down to your anal sphincter.  The key is AWARENESS of your anal sphincter, which lives in the same area as your perineum and pelvic floor.  But you want to ONLY focus on your anal sphincter.  

To separate your anal sphincter from your pelvic floor muscles, contract it a little less to feel the separation a little more.  In this practice, hone in and focus on your anus, so you might only contract your anus a little, and that’s fine. You’ll find that when you contract more and more the more muscles around your anus sphincter begin to become active (those are your pelvic floor muscles).  So ONLY contract your anus enough to isolate that specific muscle movement and leave surrounding muscles out of the movement as much as possible.  

As you become better at working with this sphincter, the more you will be able to isolate the movement.

  1. You can do this lying down, sitting on the floor, in a chair.  Wherever you are, you should be able to relax for a minute, breathing freely and deeply, using your Prana Yama breath.
  2. Close your eyes.
  3. Then inhale through your nose, fully (especially filling the lower part of the lungs so your belly expands), hold your breath, and contract your anal sphincter for 2 seconds.
  4. Exhale and relax your anus completely, 3 seconds.
  5. Completely relax the anal sphincter between the contractions.  It might take more than 3 seconds for you to completely relax, and that’s fine.  The most important thing is that your anal sphincter does completely relax between contractions.
  6. As you do this, close your eyes and imagine that you can see the sphincter as it’s opening and closing.  Or you can imagine your breath moving in and out of your anal sphincter. Breathing it open and closed.

Do this asana a few times to get comfortable with the movement.  These movements are simple, but profound and practical, and help you to relax more fully.  There are a few other practical benefits to this asana, as well …

  • Helps to clear your rectum area and sex system of toxins and debris.
  • Promotes oxygenated blood flow to your lower pelvis and sex system.
  • Helps you relax the auto-responses/reactions of your nervous system that can negatively effect your body.
  • Lowers cortisol (and adrenaline), and raises H&N’s (here and now molecules such as oxytocin, serotonin, endocannabinoids, etc.)
  • Helps to create clarity in communication with others:  your anus and throat (specifically the back of your throat) are intrinsically connected.

Embodying Authentic Sexual Communication 

Authentic sexual communication involves answering hard questions, trying new sex positions, but overall, getting really vulnerable about your sexuality.  

But embodying authentic sexual communication helps you condition and strengthen your communication skills, over time.  You’ll train your brain to stay curious about your experiences, allowing for more sensation and a fuller and more vibrant sex life.  

You’ll also find that your body communicates this same kind of openness outside of sex, too.  

There are nonverbal forms of sexual communication, and authentically expressing your sexuality means your body language is a HUGE component of the connection that you establish with your partner. 

Which is AWESOME news, because establishing this kind of intimacy in your relationship and connecting authentically with your partner creates powerful sexual energy in your lives.  That kind of energy can heal relationships, even the ones that seem irreparable, because it’s creative (not destructive), which gives you and your partner space to build on your connection further.

Tips for Embodying Authenticity

  • Always remember eye contact.  See your partner fully, and connect with their gaze so that trust is felt.  Feel comfy with eye contact … always.
  • Affection and sensual touch (like hand-holding, pats on the butt, cuddling) trigger oxytocin, because you’re telling them “I trust you and want to feel close,” bonding the two of you further.  Reach out to your partner.  
  • Always move into sensation instead of away from sensation.  This expresses your receptiveness to affection and is also super important for embodying authenticity.  This means not pulling away when you’re being touched. Practice leaning into your partner’s space, to show that you belong there. 
  • Facing your partner indicates a connection with them when they’re talking.  Opening up your chest, instead of crossing your arms, says you welcome what they’re expressing or saying.
  • Being naked around each other is a GREAT way to indicate intimacy.  When your skin is exposed, especially if you’re sleeping naked together, more oxytocin gets released and helps to promote relaxation. 

Cultivating More Authentic Sexual Communication 

Facing conflict, challenges, and discomfort through authentic sexual communication means that you truly KNOW and can fully express your whole sexuality.  “Conflict is a sign that the psyche is trying to survive, to get its needs met and become whole,” write Drs. Hendrix and LaKelly Hunt in Getting the Love You Want.  

When you work to embody authentic sexual communication, you experience growth in a few different areas.  You’ll start to heal imbalances by playing with pleasure and other sensations. You’ll feel more fully connected to your partners.  You’ll have an abundance of sexual and creative energy to use in other parts of your life.  

So how will you work to cultivate authenticity? 

TAGS

Intimacy

Relationship Communication

Sexual Communication

Sexual Energy

Sexual Healing